I actually started writing this blog entry in May, but I have been feeling too tired (physically and mentally exhausted) to finish and publish it.
I’m still not feeling great, but having ‘unfinished business’ is driving me crazy.
So, here goes nothing …
A couple of weeks before I received the diagnosis ‘burnout’, I had started updating my cv again.
I was going to start looking for a new job.
I was feeling utterly miserable because of the gradual redefinition of my job responsibilities. Nine years ago, I had applied for a (mostly) tech job that suited my interests perfectly. Now, even though the job title was still the same, I had mostly become a mediator. I loathed it. It didn’t suit my personality. I felt like I was drowning.
Not too long after I had started my job hunt, I found something that I liked
and that was actually quite close to where I live.
So, I wrote a nice cover letter, attached my shiny new cv, and … didn’t press the ‘send’ button.
It had suddenly dawned on me that this wasn’t the first time I was having these feelings of unhappiness, exhaustion, and stress. They had in fact popped up with every job I’ve ever had. I just hadn’t stayed anywhere long enough for the problems to become so severe.
In other words, changing jobs just wasn’t very likely to fix things for more then a couple of months …
So then. What was I to do ?
Well, I did what I usually do when I don’t know what else to do : I started looking on the internet for stories similar to my own situation.
I couldn’t find anything, but after a while, I came across some tests. You know :
But I was tired, and stressed, and on auto-pilot, so I did the test anyway.
I clicked the link to see what my score indicated, and gasped.
This could not be right !
I turned off the computer and went to bed.
The next morning, I was still thinking about the results of the Asperger test.
Yes, I know that it was only a test on the internet, and it didn’t really mean much …
But still, the result was totally unexpected.
I decided I was going to take the test again, but this time, I was going to read the questions carefully, think about them for a bit, and then answer them while being cautious not to exaggerate.
My score was even higher.
Over the next couple of days, I started reading blogs, and ordered some books online.
Some things I recognized, but there were just as many things that I didn’t recognize.
I was surprised to learn that autism in women and men usually looks different (from the outside), and that nowadays it isn’t all that unusual for people to be diagnosed late in life.
Anyway. Doubt. Doubt. Doubt.
Being ‘on the spectrum’ certainly would explain a bunch of things in my life …
And that’s where I crashed, went to the doctor, and got the ‘burnout’ diagnosis.
[to be continued]