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Catching up (part 1).

Januari 16, 2018 burnout
I talk a bit about what has been happening to me during the last months of 2017.

I find it difficult to pick up where I left off more than three months ago.
Maybe because these past months haven't been very happy.

At the same time, I also feel some sort of 'obligation' to the few people that are actually reading this blog ...

So. Where to begin ... ?

Maybe I'll start with my visit the the company doctor in September ...
I don't think that visit went very well. Just like before, I was in and out in 5 minutes, and he didn't ask me any questions. He did however have an opinion about me, and that opinion was 'that I had been home long enough and that I should go back to work, the sooner the better'.
And lo and behold, the very first letter I received in 2018, was a letter from work 'confirming(?) my appointment for reintegration'. That's next week.

But, back to the past.

Right at about that time, my regular doctor had put me on another type of medication. She insisted I was depressed and that I should be treated for it.
I wasn't convinced at all that I was depressed. I didn't feel anything, so how could I be depressed ? And I didn't feel anything because I was exhausted from not being able to sleep for such a long time ...

Anyway. I didn't have much luck with this medication either.
I had the bizarre feeling of being split in two. One part that was 'Me' (the exhausted Me), and another part that was a 'Projection of Me' (the Speedy Gonzales Me). I could watch the Projection flit from here to there, and smile like a maniac. The Projection had tons of energy.
After about a week of this and a whole load of other symptoms, I'd had enough. My doctor wasn't happy, but I didn't care. It was just too uncomfortable.

In November, I contacted a job coach (since that seemed to be expected of me).
Job coaches are 'all the rage' in Belgium now, but to be honest, I had no idea what a person like that would be able to do for me ...
As it turned out, we actually had a fairly pleasant (but exhausting) conversation.
Unfortunately, he never sent me a report, so now, 2 months later, I can't remember anything specific. Basically, another 80 euros down the drain ...
But worst of all : nightmares (I wrote 'nightmerries' first ; that would have been much better !) started plaguing my sleep again.
I don't know where this stuff is coming from, but night after night, I was fleeing from murderers, or I was in the middle of a hostile alien invasion, or I spent an entire examination period frantically searching for the paper with the questions.

Time for another visit to the doctor ... (see next post)